Friday, June 29, 2012

Fifty Shades of Grey

It's Friday.  Let's talk about something naughty.

Last month, everyone was talking about it . . . the Today Show, the ladies on "The Talk", my near and dear Kelly Ripa . . . EVERYONE.    The media has been in a frenzy over the books, and, as usual, I'm late to the party.  However, a few people who appear to actually read this blog asked me to write about it.

In case you have been asleep under a rock, it is sexually explicit and includes such hard core S&M that libraries have banned the series of books.  I can't stand the term, but it is regularly referred to as "Mommy Porn."

Oops.  I said "porn" and just got crazyasamother blocked by corporate servers all over the country.  Oh, well, now the Great and Powerful Oz will have to read this on his phone.  It's probably better that way.

I'm going try to not give too much away.  After all, I don't want to be a book spoiler because, frankly, I really liked it . . .  bad editing and all.

I thought it was a little bit of awesome . . . 

 Basically, it's written from the perspective of a young, naive recent college graduate with a habit of biting her lower lip (Anastatia Steele) meets and falls for a very damaged, slightly older, and crazily wealthy "megalomaniac" (Christian Grey) with unhealthy . . . no let's say . . . eclectic bedroom habits.  

And, while Mr. Grey professes to have no interest in, or even be capable of a "hearts and flowers"  relationship with Ms. Steele, the story is more than just a dominant, sexual predator doing this poor girl fifty different ways. 

Beneath all the whips, floggers, riding crops, and handcuffs, there is, in fact, a romance . . . the kind of romance that makes every married woman with kids, a mortgage, and other grown-up realities swoon.

So let's get down to the business of the book.   And, business it is. 

Christian presents Anastatia with his "proposition", which is written up as a Non-disclosure Agreement (NDA) that he jointly executes with every subordinant who enters into a relationship with him. 

What?  You mean you never dated anyone that made you sign an agreement promising that you would obey his every command, consented to spankings by his twitching palm, and vowed not tell a single soul about it? 

Right.  Because that's not weird at all.  But, I guess if you are a fantastically wealthy business man who likes to spank brunettes and has a lifestyle fit for the cover of "Star" magazine, an NDA is a requirement. 

 Here are "The Rules" in Grey's NDA and my take on them:

1.  ObedienceThe Submissive will obey any instructions given by the Dominant immediately without hesitation or reservation and in anexpeditious manner.  The Submissive will agree to any sexual activity deemed fit and pleasurable by the Dominant expcepting those activities that are outlined in hard limits.  She will do so eagerly and without hesitation.

Yikes.  Let's just get it all out there right at the beginning, right?  What woman in her right mind would sign this deal?  Right out of the gate, I'm thinking, "Hells no, and if this girl does this, she is as dumb as a box of rocks."   Initially, I thought she was right up there with Bella Swan on my list of annoying adolescents that are devoid of all personality and common sense.

But, even if I vehemently disagreed with point 1, I couldn't stop reading.  And, eventually, I got to the perks to this relationship, which would give me pause and have me thinking, "Okay, maybe I could jump on this train . . . if . . . "

2.  Sleep:  The Submissive will ensure she achieves a minimum of seven hours' sleep a night when she is not with the Dominant.

Are you kidding me?  You want me to sleep seven hours every night?  Absolutely.  I'm on that like white on rice.

3.  Food:  The Submissive will eat regularly to maintain her heath and well-being from a prescribed list of foods (Appendix 4).  The Submissive will not snack between meals, with the exception of fruit.

Whoa.  Hold the phone.  I can't be a party to this.  

No man is going to tell me what to eat.  In fact, in one of my finer moments a few weeks ago, Oz came in to find me eating a box of Reese's Pieces . . . one of the big movie, theater type boxes.  When Oz stole a few from the box (and my eyes burned a hole through his thieving hand), he said very slyly but with reproach, "Let's not eat the whole box."   That flew all over me. 

I won't be told how or what to eat.  So, I ate the whole box . . . just to spite him.

And, what's the deal with the snacking rule?  Hasn't Christian heard that you shouldn't overindulge on fruit either . . . its just chock full of fructose that is going to make you stupid and fat.

4.  Clothes: The Submissive will wear clothing only approved by the Dominant.  The Dominant will provide a clothing budget for the Submissive, which the Submissive shall utilize . . .

Okay, if I jumped off the train after reading the rule prohibiting Reese's Pieces, I'm the drunk hobo running beside it now, risking life and limb for a free ride.   Mr. Grey, you say that you want to give me my own personal shopper at Neiman Marcus?  Yes, please.  You want to give me a closet full of Manolo Blahnik's? 

Well, knock yourself out.   Oh, wait, this kind of sounds like the movie Pretty Woman, and really she was just a whore. 

Well, crap on a cracker.  I just sold myself for a personal shopper and some Manolos. 

5.  Exercise:  The Dominant shall provide the Submissive with a personal trainer four times a week in hour-long sessions . . .

Here we go again.  Yes, please.   I'm going to get a personal trainer . . . for free . . . and apparently the free time to use him.  This sounds like a dream come true. 

6.  Hygiene: The Submissive will keep herself clean and shaved and/or waxed at all times . . . and will undergo all treatments that the Dominant sees fit.

A contract that tells me that I can't be dirty or hairy.  Yeah, okay.  I can live with that.

7.  Personal Safety:  The Submissive will not drink to excess, smoke, take recreational drugs, or put herself in any unnecessary danger.

Again, good habits to have.  Besides, "to excess" is a fuzzy line.  I can agree to this.

8.  Personal QualitiesThe Submissive will not enter into any sexual relations with anyone other than the Dominant.  The Submissive will conduct herself in a respectful and modest manner at all times . . .

This seems like standard stuff .  And, in fact, I could argue that mandated monogomy negates the whole whorish feeling that I was having about the relationship.  Well now, this just became a win-win.

9.  Punishment:  Failure to comply with any of the above will result in immediate punishment, the nature of which shall be determined by the Dominant.

Pause.  Gulp. So, not only is Mr. Grey not going to allow me to eat Reese's Pieces, but he's also going to spank me if I do.   I don't think so.   Although . . . 

10.  Other Perks:  The Subordinant is given a brand new standard-subordinate issue Audi A3 to drive.  She also  has to spend Friday - Sunday in Mr. Grey's penthouse apartment, The Escala.

Crap.  Now,  I'm running along side of that train again . . . in my Manolo's . . . with my perfectly styled hair and waxed legs  . . . and my personal trainer by my side, encouraging me to jump on board . . . but to do it without risking my personal safety.    Heck yeah.  You had me at "penthouse." 


And, maybe I could even stand a few spankings, if I got to travel by a helicopter that could land on top of this apartment building:

And soak in this tub:

while looking at this view:

And, let us not forget, that women all over America have decided that Grey looks something like this:

Or this:

But, personally, I would sign up today if he looked like this:

The Great and Powerful Oz
If you've read this far, have a great weekend.  If not, I hope someone gets after you with their twitchy palm.


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