Friday, June 29, 2012

Fifty Shades of Grey

It's Friday.  Let's talk about something naughty.

Last month, everyone was talking about it . . . the Today Show, the ladies on "The Talk", my near and dear Kelly Ripa . . . EVERYONE.    The media has been in a frenzy over the books, and, as usual, I'm late to the party.  However, a few people who appear to actually read this blog asked me to write about it.

In case you have been asleep under a rock, it is sexually explicit and includes such hard core S&M that libraries have banned the series of books.  I can't stand the term, but it is regularly referred to as "Mommy Porn."

Oops.  I said "porn" and just got crazyasamother blocked by corporate servers all over the country.  Oh, well, now the Great and Powerful Oz will have to read this on his phone.  It's probably better that way.

I'm going try to not give too much away.  After all, I don't want to be a book spoiler because, frankly, I really liked it . . .  bad editing and all.

I thought it was a little bit of awesome . . . 

 Basically, it's written from the perspective of a young, naive recent college graduate with a habit of biting her lower lip (Anastatia Steele) meets and falls for a very damaged, slightly older, and crazily wealthy "megalomaniac" (Christian Grey) with unhealthy . . . no let's say . . . eclectic bedroom habits.  

And, while Mr. Grey professes to have no interest in, or even be capable of a "hearts and flowers"  relationship with Ms. Steele, the story is more than just a dominant, sexual predator doing this poor girl fifty different ways. 

Beneath all the whips, floggers, riding crops, and handcuffs, there is, in fact, a romance . . . the kind of romance that makes every married woman with kids, a mortgage, and other grown-up realities swoon.

So let's get down to the business of the book.   And, business it is. 

Christian presents Anastatia with his "proposition", which is written up as a Non-disclosure Agreement (NDA) that he jointly executes with every subordinant who enters into a relationship with him. 

What?  You mean you never dated anyone that made you sign an agreement promising that you would obey his every command, consented to spankings by his twitching palm, and vowed not tell a single soul about it? 

Right.  Because that's not weird at all.  But, I guess if you are a fantastically wealthy business man who likes to spank brunettes and has a lifestyle fit for the cover of "Star" magazine, an NDA is a requirement. 

 Here are "The Rules" in Grey's NDA and my take on them:

1.  ObedienceThe Submissive will obey any instructions given by the Dominant immediately without hesitation or reservation and in anexpeditious manner.  The Submissive will agree to any sexual activity deemed fit and pleasurable by the Dominant expcepting those activities that are outlined in hard limits.  She will do so eagerly and without hesitation.

Yikes.  Let's just get it all out there right at the beginning, right?  What woman in her right mind would sign this deal?  Right out of the gate, I'm thinking, "Hells no, and if this girl does this, she is as dumb as a box of rocks."   Initially, I thought she was right up there with Bella Swan on my list of annoying adolescents that are devoid of all personality and common sense.

But, even if I vehemently disagreed with point 1, I couldn't stop reading.  And, eventually, I got to the perks to this relationship, which would give me pause and have me thinking, "Okay, maybe I could jump on this train . . . if . . . "

2.  Sleep:  The Submissive will ensure she achieves a minimum of seven hours' sleep a night when she is not with the Dominant.

Are you kidding me?  You want me to sleep seven hours every night?  Absolutely.  I'm on that like white on rice.

3.  Food:  The Submissive will eat regularly to maintain her heath and well-being from a prescribed list of foods (Appendix 4).  The Submissive will not snack between meals, with the exception of fruit.

Whoa.  Hold the phone.  I can't be a party to this.  

No man is going to tell me what to eat.  In fact, in one of my finer moments a few weeks ago, Oz came in to find me eating a box of Reese's Pieces . . . one of the big movie, theater type boxes.  When Oz stole a few from the box (and my eyes burned a hole through his thieving hand), he said very slyly but with reproach, "Let's not eat the whole box."   That flew all over me. 

I won't be told how or what to eat.  So, I ate the whole box . . . just to spite him.

And, what's the deal with the snacking rule?  Hasn't Christian heard that you shouldn't overindulge on fruit either . . . its just chock full of fructose that is going to make you stupid and fat.

4.  Clothes: The Submissive will wear clothing only approved by the Dominant.  The Dominant will provide a clothing budget for the Submissive, which the Submissive shall utilize . . .

Okay, if I jumped off the train after reading the rule prohibiting Reese's Pieces, I'm the drunk hobo running beside it now, risking life and limb for a free ride.   Mr. Grey, you say that you want to give me my own personal shopper at Neiman Marcus?  Yes, please.  You want to give me a closet full of Manolo Blahnik's? 

Well, knock yourself out.   Oh, wait, this kind of sounds like the movie Pretty Woman, and really she was just a whore. 

Well, crap on a cracker.  I just sold myself for a personal shopper and some Manolos. 

5.  Exercise:  The Dominant shall provide the Submissive with a personal trainer four times a week in hour-long sessions . . .

Here we go again.  Yes, please.   I'm going to get a personal trainer . . . for free . . . and apparently the free time to use him.  This sounds like a dream come true. 

6.  Hygiene: The Submissive will keep herself clean and shaved and/or waxed at all times . . . and will undergo all treatments that the Dominant sees fit.

A contract that tells me that I can't be dirty or hairy.  Yeah, okay.  I can live with that.

7.  Personal Safety:  The Submissive will not drink to excess, smoke, take recreational drugs, or put herself in any unnecessary danger.

Again, good habits to have.  Besides, "to excess" is a fuzzy line.  I can agree to this.

8.  Personal QualitiesThe Submissive will not enter into any sexual relations with anyone other than the Dominant.  The Submissive will conduct herself in a respectful and modest manner at all times . . .

This seems like standard stuff .  And, in fact, I could argue that mandated monogomy negates the whole whorish feeling that I was having about the relationship.  Well now, this just became a win-win.

9.  Punishment:  Failure to comply with any of the above will result in immediate punishment, the nature of which shall be determined by the Dominant.

Pause.  Gulp. So, not only is Mr. Grey not going to allow me to eat Reese's Pieces, but he's also going to spank me if I do.   I don't think so.   Although . . . 

10.  Other Perks:  The Subordinant is given a brand new standard-subordinate issue Audi A3 to drive.  She also  has to spend Friday - Sunday in Mr. Grey's penthouse apartment, The Escala.

Crap.  Now,  I'm running along side of that train again . . . in my Manolo's . . . with my perfectly styled hair and waxed legs  . . . and my personal trainer by my side, encouraging me to jump on board . . . but to do it without risking my personal safety.    Heck yeah.  You had me at "penthouse." 


And, maybe I could even stand a few spankings, if I got to travel by a helicopter that could land on top of this apartment building:

And soak in this tub:

while looking at this view:

And, let us not forget, that women all over America have decided that Grey looks something like this:

Or this:

But, personally, I would sign up today if he looked like this:

The Great and Powerful Oz
If you've read this far, have a great weekend.  If not, I hope someone gets after you with their twitchy palm.


Wednesday, June 27, 2012

How They Found Crazy as a Mother & What I Ate Tuesday

Today's Workouts:

Vampire Run:  4 miles in the stifling heat.  Avg. 8:25 min/mile.

Workout:  Bryson's workout was a 15 minute AMRAP (as many rounds as possible).  We were almost finished with 4 rounds when he called time.  So, he challenged us to finish 5 rounds in 20 minutes:  10 floor wipers, 10 russian twists with heavy medicine ball, and 10 burpee with push-ups.

How They Found Crazy as a Mother:

Most people that visit Crazy as a Mother get here because they have too much time to kill  are my friends on Facebook. But, some poor unsuspecting souls find their way here by accident.  

I can see the search terms that people have lead here, and some of them are kind of funny.  Some are kind of weird. So, I thought I would share them with you:

1.   My mom stunk up my whole kitchen
2.   Huge edible gummy bear
3.   Running mishaps
4.   Augustus Gloop up the pipe
5.   Birthday Revelry
6.   Don't cry demotivational posters
7.   Completely restored 1973 MGB
8.   Crossfit Reebok Roma
9.   Frit vs. fructose
10.  Short stack workouts

I did not mispell "frit".  Someone else did. 

And, It's Wesnesday . . . So Here is What I ate Tuesday:

For dinner on Monday night, I made Genius Gina's (from Mexican Slow Cooked Pork Carnitas. I'm pretty sure that I've talked about these before.   If you haven't made them yet, you totally should. They cook all day and make the house smell so good. Plus, you can make a bunch and eat on it for days.

So, the point of the story is that, because we had leftovers,  I ate left over pulled pork all day on Tuesday.   Tuesday was "Pork-Three-Different-Ways Day" or "Porky Tuesday", if you will.


For breakfast, I scrambled 2 egg whites with tomatoes and red peppers. I smeared a queso-flavored Laughing Cow Cheese wedge on Lavash, covered the cheese with the egg mixture, a small amount of pulled pork, and half a 100-calorie packet of Wholly Guacamole.

I then rolled it all up like a burrito and nuked it for 30 seconds. Voila!! A pulled pork breakfast burrito. I chased it with some iced coffee.


The Great and Powerful Oz has a garden out back that has been producing more squash than we know what to do with.

Cooked squash is mush and, thus, not my favorite vegetable.  But, I've been looking for creative ways to cook hide it in food. To use some of it up, I had pulled pork "faux-chos" for lunch.

That's right.  It's as weird as it looks.  Instead of chips, I used lightly steamed squash.  I thought I could fool myself since it's the right color.  The squash was smothered in pulled pork, black beans, salsa, tomatoes, guacamole, a little cheese, and fat free sour cream.  

I've got to say, I actually liked it a lot.  It will make repeated appearances this week on my plate.


It's 103 degrees outside, and we had three ball games Tuesday night. I didn't feel like anything too heavy. So I had a salad with pulled pork, tomatoes, salsa, black beans, and guacamole. Basically, I had my lunch again with lettuce instead of squash.


In the morning, I had 1/2 of my container of Greek Yogurt and Oats Parfait.

In the afternoon, I had a hankering for a rice cake something carby,   and I had just been rice cake shopping. 

Excessive?  No way.   However, the abundance and variety of rice cakes presented a tough decision.  To try something new, I had a chocolate rice cake with 1.5 Tbsp of cashew butter.

Totally satisfying.  Reminded me a little bit of my dear friend . . . that I'm not speaking to right now . . .  the Reese's Peanut Butter Cup. 

Do you know who I was speaking to at about 9:30 last night, though?  Four of these little guys and a glass of milk:

I am breaking up with them.  This relationship is over.  And, I'm sending them to my mom's house to be dealt with . . . just like I did to my kids today.

See you Friday,


Monday, June 25, 2012

Snacky Sunday

Today's Workouts:

Vampire Run:  4.5 miles with 8 hill repeats.  Avg. 8:24 min/mile.
3 Rounds:  40 walking lunges
                   30 kettlebell swings
                   20 pushups
                   10 situps
                     5 pull-ups

Let's talk Snacks:
Nutritionists recommend eating 5-6 small meals per day rather than the conventional three. Since I am NOT a nutritionist and my world rarely operates "as recommended", I'm lucky to get in three meals per day.  

I simply do not have time to prepare more than three full meals per day.  I'm feeding five people here. If I prepared 5-6 meals per day for us, I would never leave the kitchen. 

Does anyone know what a "womam" is?

But, since I do really try to keep my calories per meal around 200 for breakfast and 300-400 for lunch and dinner, snacks are a requirement.   (Ummmm, no, 1000 calories/day is not enough fuel for anyone . . . not even a midget).   

And, I ❤ snacks. I would eat like a toddler all the time if I could.


But, it's very easy for me to turn "snack time" into "treat time." I am drawn to heavy carbohydrate-laden snacks like crackers, cookies, pretzels, and chips. Just like a toddler would be.

Yesterday was Sunday. Obviously. I had a baby shower and a dessert tasting on the agenda.  I knew it was going to be a snacky Sunday.  I decided to embrace that theme and just snack all day so that I could share some of my favorite snacks with you.

Hummus and a Hummus Delivery Mechanism

If you have read ANY of my previous food posts, you already know that I love, love, love hummus. 

People try to sell it as a healthy food, but I'm not so sure about that.  If eaten in the quantity that I would like to eat it (I could easily lick clean an entire family size container in 48 hours), I think I would turn into a chunky monkey pretty quickly.  Sure, its' a "good fat" since most of the fat is from olive oil and beans but fat is still just fat when eaten in excess.  And, 6g of fat in a 2 Tbsp serving is a lot when I'm inclined to dollop twice that amount on my plate.
However, that doesn't stop me from eating it.  Every.  Single. Day.  I just have to watch the amount.

My choice hummus delivery mechanisms are 34 Degree Crackers, baked Lavash crisps, sliced red bell peppers, sliced or speared raw zuchinni, and celery (not pictured).

Cottage Cheese and Granny Bee's

This was my favorite snack last summer.  Granny Bee's is a jalapeno relish that a friend of Elizabeth's would pick up for us when she was somewhere in Louisianna.  Our Granny Bee's exchanges typically take place on street corner and look similar to a drug deal from Weeds.

I like to crumble Chipins into this mix but our Walmart stopped carrying Chipins last fall in yet another attempt to ruin my life.  Rat bastards.

 Greek Yogurt and Oats Parfait

This is my favorite snack this summer.  Elizabeth is a little bit obsessed with it, too.  And, we can't claim it as our own since every food/fitness/nutrition blogger is talking about it . . . because everyone loves a parfait.

You can google it and find hundreds of different but very similar recipes, but the mix that Elizabeth and I have been making includes:  1/4 cup whole grain old-fashioned oats,  1/4 cup plain Greek yogurt, 1/2 cup unsweetened almond milk, 1 Tbsp chia seeds, 1/2 cup blackberries, and a few drops of liquid stevia and almond extract.  Just throw into a container and shake it up.  Refrigerate it overnight.

Before refrigeration:  shaken, not stirred
 I kind of feel like the yorgurt parfait should be eaten within 24 hours of preparation (shorter if you use banana) but that's just a personal hang-up.  The one above was at the end of its shelf life and looked kind of blech - so I added the cashews to distract you.  And, then I ate it.

Soaked Cucumbers

My mom has a wicked good recipe for cucumbers and onions soaked in sugar/vinegar/cracked red pepper.  It is freaking delicious, and Oz and I will stab each other over it if it's in our kitchen. 

BUT . . . it's high in sugar and my first attempt at substituting the sugar didn't turn out so great.  So, Oz has taken to soaking cucumbers in a simple saltwater solution, and I really like it.  They are crisp and refreshing.  They probably don't really count as a real snack but I like munching on them while I'm cooking dinner . . . prevents me from munching on something dangerous . . . like peanut butter cups.

Wine and Cheese

My obsession is Laughing Cow Cheese.  There are 3 different kinds in my cheese drawer right now.  A wedge of one of the light varieties is only 35 calories, 1.5 grams of fat, and 1 gram of sugar.  I will smear it on about anything:  english muffin, lavash, rice cake . . . my finger.  

I firmly believe that if you are going to have cheese, you should counteract it with wine.  I don't know why.  Probably because I just like wine. 

Now,  since this is a "true confessions" blog . . . what I really wanted to snack on yesterday but didn't  . . . because I ate 8 the day before):

Peanut Butter Oreos

These are ridiculous. It's an Oreo. With peanut butter inside.

It's like the geniuses at Oreo said, "What can we make that will turn Jenni's world upside down? Oh yes, peanut butter-filled Oreos."

You can't find these at our Walmart on just any old day of the week.  Instead, they carry the disgusting strawberry filled Oreos that are more fit for the trash than your belly.  But, just the other day, I was buying spicy water at Homeland, and my finely tuned peanut butter radar picked-up their scent up on aisle 7.

I threw them in the cart with the intention of not breaking into them until the 4th of July.  Because that's a holiday, and if you can't have peanut butter Oreos on a holiday . . . well then when can you have them?

Well, apparently, you can have them on a random Saturday afternoon after a few club specials at the pool.   It happened to me.  My inhibitions were down, and those Oreos were calling my name. So I busted into them, and I ate two, I mean three, I mean four . . .  well . . . eight.   Just like that.

Doh.  The great and powerful Oz ate some too, though. 
I didn't do all this damage by myself.  Just most of it.

And, because the club specials had also deadened my "guilty conscience", I didn't feel bad about it either.


P.S.  - Feel free to chime in and leave a comment with your favorite snack.  Share away.  Or if you need to confess something, you can do that, too.  It might get more interesting that way.

Friday, June 22, 2012

Break's Over

I took a five week sabbatical from blogging.   For a couple of reasons.   First, I've lost my nutritional mojo (more on that below).    And, second, I have been told by this guy

If you are wondering what he is doing here, I think he's telling me not to eat chips.

that blogging takes up too much of my time.  

It's true.  I have spent a lot of valuable time blogging.  Time that could be spent doing actual work that makes actual money. Time that could be used tending to the floors, laundry and other menial housework that I generally try to ignore and/or hire out. 

But, most of all, I have wasted valuable time that SHOULD be spent hanging out with these people:

However, I really like Crazy as a Mother.   It's a guilty pleasure.  So, I'm back.  But if I'm going to keep it up, I may need to cut back on the number of posts per week.  Or, maybe I'll learn how to write without being such a windbag. More likely,  though, I'm going to sneak out of bed at 1:00 a.m. to write nonsense. 

Since I'm sure that you've been on pins and needles [insert sarcasm here] wondering what I have been up to during the last month . . .

Eight things you missed didn't miss at all while I was gone:

1.  The kids are out of school for the summer.
What this means is  . . . they are running around the house . . . under foot all the time.  Screaming.  Yelling.  Having Nerf gun wars.     
Every.  Single.  Day.  And I love it.  Mostly. 
But, it's not all fun and games.  I put those little yard apes to work.  Here is the boys' chore chart for the summer. 

It's extra big because I thought bigger would provide more incentive.  The jury is still out on that one.
2.   The Great and Powerful Oz and I celebrated our 14th anniversary by taking the kids on a mini-vacation.
We took them to the Hyatt Lost Pines Resort in Austin.  Except for one excursion to the liquor store, we didn't leave the resort.  For three days, we did nothing but swim, eat, and sleep.  Basically, Jeff and I enjoyed some cocktails at the pool while we watched our kids try to drown each other. 
It was mostly uneventful. Except for the floater in the pool. 

And, let me tell 'ya, it WASN'T a Snickers.
The Tiny Princess promised that it wasn't hers, and Drama offered to fish it out for $5.  The kids were ready to get right back in as soon as the doodie was out, but there was no way that Oz was getting back in that water.
3. I had a nutritional nervous breakdown and gained seven pounds. 
I just haven't been very motivated.  I should be motivated . . . after all its bikini season.  But, I haven't been feeling it. What I have been feeling is ice cream and Reese's peanut butter cups and Oreos.  

That might be why I haven't been blogging.   It's kind of hard to write about eating sugar-free when you are throwing down Reese's peanut butter cups every night.

However, I decided that it was time to get back on the food-logging band wagon when I was running a few days ago and thought I smelled something burning.  

4.  Elizabeth and I joined Chickasaw and started the cross training class.

It is taught by a real, live certified crossfit instructor.   And, so far, we really like it.   
Even though our workouts are only about 25-40 minutes long and our instructor is having a hell of a time teaching me how to properly do a kettlebell swing without killing myself or someone else, I leave there feeling totally wasted most days.  In fact, there was a day last week when I didn't think I could drive myself home afterwards. 
And, it's an added perk that the workouts include excercises with names like: 

Turkish Get-ups
I'm going to be a thrusting Turkish man before too long.

5. My teeth are still falling out.

No real news here except a few days ago my two front teeth just started spontaneously bleeding. I wasn't even eating an apple or anything.  Their days are numbered I tell 'ya.  Those teeth are going to fall out, and it's going to get real ugly before it gets better.


6. I read the entire three book Fifty Shades of Grey series in 10 days. 

Everyone is talking about it . . . the Today Show, the ladies on "The Talk", my near and dear Kelly Ripa . . . EVERYONE.   And frankly, I'm a little late to the party. 
In case you have been asleep under a rock, it is sexually explicit and includes enough S&M that libraries have banned the series of books.  I have to admit though that I loved them.  I devoured all three books in just ten days. 

And when I was done, I was just left wanting more. 

7.  The Tiny Princess threw out an F-bomb at the ball park.
Yes, this pretty little flower of a girl said the f-bomb.

We were watching Drama play ball, and she was wearing cowboy boots with her jorts (a.k.a., jean shorts) . . . a really knock-out look . . . when she slipped on the bleachers.   
And, right in front of my mother, she said "Oh, F&%@!"  I stifled a laugh and said indigantly, "What did you say?"  Naturally, she repeated it for me, and it was crystal clear.  There was no room for arguing that she said something different . . . like "Oh, duck!"   
Besides, as my mother pointed out, there weren't any ducks around.   
8.  I went to the Thutt Doctor. 
Oz says that I haven't been clear about what my thutt problem is.  He said that people probably just think that I'm annoying because I think there is too much thutt under my butt.

But, it's not that.  My thutt problem is a constant nagging ass cramp that has harassed me for over a year now.  And, finally, I've had enough of it.  So, I made an appointment. 
I was worried about two things.  First, I worried that they were going to tell me that I need to lay off the running.  Second, I was worried that I was going to be inappropriately dressed at my appointment . . . because what kind of panties does one wear to have their thutt examined?   
Turns out I worried for nothing.  They didn't tell me to stop running.  They gave me steriods and anti-inflammatories.  And, I didn't have to get undressed at all.  So, no one even saw my panties . . . or my lack there of.    

I was going to do ten things. But, I'm cutting back, remember.  So, you only get eight.  Plus, I'm not sure ten things actually happened.

Have a great weekend.  See you Monday.  Maybe.