Friday, March 23, 2012

Freaky Friday Diversion: It gets pretty ugly here when Jeff's away

No sugar talk today.  None at all.

Awesome Jeff has been out of town for business all week - and during spring break too - of all the nerve.  I've got kids climbing the walls over here and no relief - aside from a bottle Skyy (thank you, Elizabeth).

I think that Awesome Jeff is really curious suspicious about the goings on of the house when he is gone. I may keep the house running, but he definitely sets the stage and makes the rules.  
He rightly suspects that his peaceful domicile is all helter skelter when he's absent, because, as sure as he's the rule maker, I'm the rule breaker.   And, as they saying goes:

When the cat's away, the mice will play.

So here's what its really like when Jeff is away:

Usually, I try very hard to keep the house tidy - as tidy as you can with three kids constantly making messes.  But, when he's away, there are toys all over the living room.  And, if you are hungry, it's likely that by Day 2 you can find an entire snack on the kitchen floor.

When he's here, I get up before the crack of dawn and either meet my running buddies on a street corner or go to the gym and workout with Team Shortstack.  But, when he's gone, I can't go anywhere without risking a trip to the pokey.   Even though the gym is only a mile away, I'm pretty sure that the authorities won't see it as being any different than leaving your kids home alone to go to Vegas.
Read about these Jackasses here
And, it turns out that my shower schedule is directly related to my workout schedule. 

When I let the workouts slide, everything else slides too.  So though my hair may start out looking pretty decent at the beginning of the week, it tends to look like this later in the week:

I call this look my "moldy hair" look because it goes up wet and never really dries.  To be honest, I really don't know what's growing in there.  Awesome Jeff will think this is a disgusting revelation but I think its a testament to the fact that I'm not out carousing when he's gone.


My diet also changes when he is gone.  He recently outlawed the roasting of any odoriferous vegetables because they offend his sensitive nose.  So, while he's enjoying fine dining in the nation's capital, I use this opportunity to roast as much brussel sprouts, cabbage, and kale as I can possibly consume without turning into a human nuclear reactor. 

And, another interesting byproduct of his absence is that our household grows.  Opportunities like this are the best time to acquire new pets.   I figure that by the time he gets back and can argue his point the kids are already so in love with whatever creature we've added to our happy home that his arguments are futile.

Usually, we go out to the shelter and adopt a few cats or kittens.  We are always in need of an outdoor cat since our cats only have a lifespan of about 4 months.  The basis for this unfortunate truth is that this guy


likes to eat these guys:

Precious, aren't they?  Of course they are, but at my house they only live long enough to get "fixed".   My investment of $50 is like the kiss of death.  It literally ensures that they have only two weeks left to live. 

Since our last cat only made it one week outside before she disappeared and we are still just getting over the shell-shock inevitable reality of her loss, I decided to really shake things up. 

Now we have a crab infestation.  We started with this guy (purchased on Monday):

His first 12 hours with us looked promising, but then he retreated into his shell. 

After a complete lack of activity for 48 hours, I sat down with him for an intense session of crabby psychoanalysis, which included me tapping on his shell and asking if anybody was home. 

In the end, I decided that he needed a friend, which resulted in the purchase of two more:  

Gumbo and Tweety

Then when Bolt's big claw fell off on Thursday morning, I decided to go back to Petco for advice.

Bolt's claw
And somehow the guy talked me into another crab (and by that I mean he told me I need to monitor the humidity of the tank and switch the substrate to sand.  He actually never said anything about adding Tom Brady to our already crowded habitat.  But, what he said and what I heard were two different things). 

This morning I woke up to find that Tom Brady had moved out of his shell and into the vacant ladybug shell.

So, now I have a cross dresser crab.   Now I am about a $100 into this crab debacle, and I'm not even sure if we can eat them when they die. 

But, about one thing I am sure :

Awesome Jeff is reading this
as he is about to board his plane, and
I'm betting Grumpy Jeff can't wait to get home. 

I better get the vacuum out.

Have a great weekend,



  1. OMG, I love this!!! My house is quite similar to yours when the hubby is gone. You're such a brave soul to get pets while he is gone...the one attempt I made at that did NOT have a good outcome.

    1. Some would say brave. Some would say stupid. I tend to stick to pets that he has "ok'd" in the past. Seems that the transition goes smoother that way. Though I get in trouble because I like to adopt in numbers.